Forgiveness is a loaded word that can kick up a lot of emotional material. It can immediately toss a person into the molten center of their most potent wound. It can slide in and remind someone of an unjust and tragic experience. It pulls others into an undertow of discussion and discourse.
As part of our conditioning, people readily forgive without considering another option. Early on, selflessness is rewarded, thereby reinforcing the omission of ones’ own feelings. Can you recall being instructed to forgive without the dignity of careful thought or the wisdom of a personal process which may render a verdict of no forgiveness? Were you ever given a choice? And have spiritual or religious insights expressed a certainty that you are barred from living an unshackled life without the stamp of forgiveness? How much does shame, anger, rage, guilt and remorse play a role in your aftermath? Meaning, if you’re struggling with feelings of shame or guilt, it may indicate the complexity of your trauma and would most certainly require credible support.
FINDING MY WAY TOOK TIME…
My older siblings were excellent models for me on how to handle the dilemma of forgiveness as it pertains to abuse, neglect, and criminal offenses, and how they spoke to their situations pointed out a way for me to understand the proper workings of accountability. After sharing their experiences, I gained a cogent, just perspective that was previously obscured under the tarnish of dysfunction and conditioning.
And it looks like this:
If another person abused you, their atonement, absolution, and emotional labor is not yours to carry out. If a crime is committed, you are under no obligation to forgive the criminal of their offence. The emotional, mental, and psychological torment they might encounter as a consequence of what they did can be left with them as their labor, since the fallout you’re facing is going to require much of your energy. That’s entirely enough for one person to confront.
I would be met with my own urgency to consider the detriment of walking into the territory of forgiving a violator and their crime while recovering from the damage they inflicted. And since recovering from severe abuse or injury takes all the time it needs, I prioritized my healing and not at dispensing forgiveness. I found it did not hinder my process or expel me from relishing life, feeling blissful, and appreciating joy. In fact, these elements helped me, while emotionally reaching out to an offender was unnecessary and would reintroduce the trauma.
So, no, I don’t subscribe to the format of forgiveness as a liberating move, rather an opinion people are often invited to express and a recourse that works for them. I can accept how some have discovered it to be the solution to what they needed to secure a much-needed sense of peace.
That said, I don’t think everyone is capable of associating forgiveness as a personal gesture to eliminate negativity or usher them into a life of individualized freedom. If it were that seamless, many would not painfully bear it as a double bind. I do believe every case is unique and deserves ample space to throw and contort and cry or scream. After all, what they’re holding is the memory of an act too horrific for their innocence to endure.
What if you weighed our modern concept of forgiveness as evolving over time? It’s possible our notion of forgiveness these days is not the same approach taken by ancient societies managing ethical situations within a growing civilization. In the book, Before Forgiveness: The Origin of a Moral Idea, author David Konstan presents an argument around the concept of interpersonal forgiveness and examines its purpose and intention reflected in a diversity of texts throughout the centuries. I thought it was interesting how at one point, in order for a person to forgive their transgressor, the offender must go through a series of steps. They must carry out their responsibilities to acknowledge the wrong, demonstrate remorse, and undergo a change prior to being forgiven.
It’s further interesting to me how psychologists today work with victims who’ve been deserted with intense feelings of vengeance, resentment and bitterness because the offender can’t be confronted, and suggest a type of one-sided forgiveness as a means of releasing those feelings. We often hear it described as, I chose to forgive for myself so I’d be set free of the anger I was holding onto. When making the choice to move forward with forgiveness, one has to be supported and comforted, too.
WHEN THE BLAME TURNS INWARD…
It’s important to notice if someone is deeply troubled and grappling with the concept of forgiving because it may indicate a need for a different pathway towards soothing and healing. It may require a level of recovery and a sense of equanimity which rules out emotional pardoning and releasing, rather exploring other possibilities like discharging the rage through somatic work, if that’s something that feels aligned. Or, perhaps grief work or reorienting by making sense of the event, their emotions, and getting through it, or dealing with the seriousness of betrayal issues.
Sadly, there are times a person might hold themselves accountable if they feel they cannot step forward and challenge the violator about the injury or offense due to how the family or public system is set up. Or, in some situations, there is no way of knowing who is specifically responsible or their identity — and so the blame turns inward. I can relate to taking on the tonnage of what didn’t belong to me in addition to being victimized.
The offense, remorse, and guilt became wayward within because I was unable to challenge the offender and I was not immediately supported in the early stages of my injury. Personally, I had to traverse hills and valleys when it came to self-forgiveness. I noticed I was blaming myself for being there and being vulnerable to attack. I witnessed my pattern for apologizing for not being quick, clever, or strong— all traits I subconsciously felt would have aided in my escape and spare me. In the crucial moment, I could not find my rescuer or access the miraculous god I was taught would intervene on my behalf, and so I blamed myself.
It took a long time, but eventually I was able to get clear and organize the layers of internalization. I finally understood I was a victim of a crime and was under no obligation to absolve the criminal. I’m only responsible for my recovery in ways that best fit my specific trauma.
Looking back, one of the most memorable examples of an innocent person being inappropriately advised to forgive was my mother in relation to a traumatic event in her childhood. I witnessed her suffering in an existence of excessive pain due to suggestions and pressure to get to that place where you can forgive. I could see how it served to further complicate, compound and reactivate her wound. I could also piece together how this conditioning influenced my own blame-and-shame response. From this I learned how forgiving without allowing time to pick up the pieces, touch the grief seeping from the sediment of losses, feel the jagged edges of legitimate outrage, or anything and everything the breaks open to be held, consoled, and believed, seems like a crime as well.
In her later years, I made it a point to give my mother sincere recognition and convey why she wasn’t responsible for getting to a certain place because someone she trusted did something horrifying to her in childhood. She seemed noticeably validated and vindicated knowing someone did not expect her to do more work than she was energetically capable of because of the trauma.
There isn’t a sole answer… Sometimes the tragedy is so heinous, you can’t blot it out with a series of steps towards gifting yourself with a new ease the way other people effortlessly describe. It may have proved difficult to achieve, but they made it across the wide, dark waters of the divide. And for some, it can be conceptualized as a line they’ve drawn which delineates a crossover; a point of release where they will gradually feel differently and with less severity. What works for one person can complicate things for another.
Knowing you are free to choose, what if you made the decision to not engage a process of forgiving, rather decided to not forgive and would like to feel supported in making that choice? What would the support look like to you? Maybe you will need to have regular validation during phases when your sense of loss feels the greatest. Maybe recognition from time to time is a remedy until you gain traction. The idea is to focus on your needs on this recovery journey.
You can move forward without forgiving and you’ll be no less loved and healed than you may have thought. You can go on with life and find out some days are less agonizing and the hurt isn’t present and the spark is not as searing. You will learn you don’t have to forgive to find your way to open spaces, laughter, and art or enjoyable activities, real comforts, and making peace.
And sometimes making peace means you know what happened and you decided to leave all the guilt in their lap and continue living.
Dear Reader,
Are you conflicted about whether you ought to forgive? I hope something in my newsletter landed in the right place for you to guide you towards creating your personal peace. And if you are dealing with internalizing blame or anything that does not belong to you, I wrote a book titled LOOK TO THE CLEARING which features a piece called The Practice of Self-Forgiveness. I think it can help you feel supported in washing away the debris of conditioning that tends to exacerbate feelings of guilt or shame. In fact, the book features many other poignant writings on making sense, meaning and claiming healing. Please follow my Facebook page, Susan Frybort, for everyday posts featuring excerpts or related topics. If you can, I’d love it if you’re able to order my book from Enrealment Press , where I’d enjoy personally signing your copy.
With love, care and kindness,
Susan
Susan, your essay so powerfully addresses my issue with forgiveness. I resonate with so much of what you wrote, particularly this: "Sadly, there are times a person might hold themselves accountable if they feel they cannot step forward and challenge the violator about the injury or offense due to how the family or public system is set up. Or, in some situations, there is no way of knowing who is specifically responsible or their identity — and so the blame turns inward. I can relate to taking on the tonnage of what didn’t belong to me in addition to being victimized."
In my case, I suffered from narcissistic abuse by my mother. I tried to forgive her by considering the context of her own childhood trauma. I can only imagine what she experienced based on historical events (WW2, famine, parental abandonment, etc.) because she doesn't remember the details. But my cognitive understanding and effort to extend sympathy to her could only go so far. I'm very much still wounded from a lifetime of continuous abuse so that I suffer from C-PTSD. But my culture makes me feel guilty and ashamed of not treating her better and not forgiving her because, "after all, she's your mother and it's your filial responsibility to be pious to her." This is a source of my ongoing depression.
Reading your essay, and understanding a different meaning of forgiveness made me realize that I'm not to be blamed and shouldn't be carrying this burden all by myself. I'm yearning for the day when I am healed and liberated--or at least a lot more so than today.
Thank you for the 'tough love' message that forgiveness doesn't have to simply one way but can be nuanced to fit personalities and transgressions. Just like the courts have different punishments to fit different crimes, full 'get-out-of-jail-free' forgiveness does not fit all situations.
Also, it is so important that you brought up that sometimes we can get only to a certain level of forgiveness because the effects of the violation are so deep and disruptive that our entire life may be affected. The last step of grief is acceptance which means we integrate the trauma into a new personality structure fashioned to balance out all the emotional energy embodied.
Yes, there can be 'tough forgiveness' just like the concept of 'tough love' needed around wounded people. Forgiveness is a personal balancing act with lots of variables. There is no 'right' way to forgive and certainly no set timeframe. Sharing...