HIDING IN THE SHADOWS
Compassion for Your Inner-Child
"I came to understand a part of my shadow after years of pushing it away. Recurrent feelings of vulnerability and insecurity kept nudging me to check on my inner child and listen to her describe an old wounding. It’s alright to let your grown-up self reconnect to the origin of a specific early-life message and your emotional response to it at the time, and go further by examining the rejection wound surrounding your discomfort, suffering or anxiety. Throughout life, it’s so easy to get caught up in the important day-to-day obligations and live in the present and not take any time to delve into old cries coming from a dim corner of our consciousness. It’s not always practical. So, taking the time to go back and crouch down to hear this delicate trembling —vocalizing her long-lost needs— was warmly welcomed. To meet up with the material and process what I wasn’t able to fully comprehend as a child and adolescent was a gift no one could give, except me. It felt as if I were hugging my wholeness close to my heart and loving myself for making it through. It felt like I came back to a part that was needing approval, attention and affection. It felt like a jagged little piece was smoothed and held and praised before it was put into a more illuminated place. Self-development is ever-unfolding, integrating and forming —always seeking new areas to understand and land old emotions. Your complex parts are precious, light and dark, and never really set in stone, but always turning and transforming."
When we were children, the parts of us experiencing unexpected rejection retreated quickly and remain in the dark corners of our psyche like stifled outcasts. The rejection was often felt through harsh judgements, ridicule, or ostracizing and we learned through sharp reprimands how it was not an acceptable part of ourselves to present openly.
Some find it unbearable, years later, having another person discover or witness their shadow traits, because when it happens, it feels as if the initial cut is being inflicted all over again. When it began happening in their early years, it felt painful to be seen and classified as defective and broken, or inadequate and imperfect. Thus, learning to hide their unfit aspects now deemed as negative, weak, and shameful became a means for protection and preservation. They even go as far as to create masks as personas to convince the world of how they would rather be seen.
To be human is to have a shadow.
While we’re harboring our fugitive parts safely, we might walk through life believing we recognize them in other people. For instance, if we were condemned as being lazy and it caused us to do our best to not appear as a lazy person, we could begin to project by seeing other people with having the problem.
The traits we feel ashamed of having are primal and not civilized in the sense they break the order created to sustain a functional society. This is also true for set systems closer to home, like family dynamics or the place you work or a group you’re a part of. While that can be good and structure allows for safety, it is also confusing and frustrating to hold it together or repress our feelings for the sake of appearing nice, good, or strong.
Crying, sadness, yelling, anger and enragement are all intense, significant feelings or displays of emotions which tend to make others uneasy or alarmed. Really, these traits are what make us human and are often connected to the shadow components of our humanness.
There is a vast library of resources diving into archetypal models, Jungian therapy designed for individuation, and inner-child recovery groups available for anyone interested in doing their shadow work. When you realize you can follow the passageways into the center of your soul for richness and creativity, or go on a journey to self-love and awareness, you might also find it restorative ascending into these dark, previously unknown reaches to retrieve parts of yourself still calling out to be validated.
If not ever considered, a person can go most if not all of their lifetime not recognizing the personal nature of their jealousy, for example— a trait few would want to confess to their relationship with, much less understand. They might go on to internalize and be at odds within themselves, when all along their jealousy may be representing an important need to feel accepted.
Instead, to hide their sense of insecurity, perhaps they act out in petty ways or say things rather harshly, or feel resentment. Meanwhile, their inner-child is right there in the flux of all of this, with a heart in need of attention.
What if this were you as a child? Wouldn’t you want a more personal, caring look at what’s underneath your primal response and approach your jealousy with all the tenderness of a loving parent, with no scolding or overlooking as you had experienced in your childhood?
This time, what if you acknowledged how the attention being given to someone else represents the necessities your inner-child possesses— among them, a legitamate need to feel healthy and loved? And after looking closely, will you discover you had been giving out the standard of attention and love to others that you have been depriving yourself? And had you sometimes been judging another person as an attention seeker when they were actually celebrating their individuality openly?
Of course, it’s not always easy to gauge why someone’s behaving the way they do because it’s complex. But for this moment, let’s say they’ve sincerely found a way to feel joyous about their achievement and want to share from a place of purity and fellowship. You deserve this type of light and radiance, as well.
Without taking away from someone’s moment, how would you like to begin tending to the need for specific attention and acceptance?
Maybe you can start by considering the gifts you possess in the form of interests, talents, passions and presence. Reflect on how your blessings offer others a light to see in times of their own darkness.
There are, of course, other aspects within each of us willing to be discerned and participate in our overall wholeness. There are areas inside each of us, worthy of awareness and balance. So for you, if any of your isolated, denied parts have a story to tell,
Are you listening…