FUNCTIONAL FREEZE

Okay On the Outside, But Not Okay Inside

Photo by Marianna Smiley on Unsplash

I’ve been moving through my private world in a state of functional freeze, but I’m making my way out carefully now. The immobilizing symptoms began to course through my body several months after being fully present throughout a phase of chronic stress. I’ll describe more about my experience with it, but first I’d like to share a little backstory with you.

My History with Freeze Response

Looking back, I became aware of entering immediate freeze responses in childhood, like many who faced similar challenges. Despite my family’s attempts to create a normal, stable homelife, we still encountered regular destabilizing events. You may relate if one or both parents struggled with addiction, mental illness, or unresolved or untreated traits from their own trauma history.

I’d like to share a specific experince in my late teens where my conscious journey into self-help and therapeutic support entered a new realm. It opened up to me while I was sitting next to my mother’s hospital bed after bringing her to the ER earlier that afternoon, and for the most part, unaware I was in an after-shock response to the day’s event. I had been vigilant for several weeks leading up to the collapsing moment, so I was alert and able to get her into emergency care as soon as possible. After hours inside the admission and waiting process, and the minute my nervous system ascertained the situation was being stabilized, I crumpled onto the only chair in a corner of the room and entered a state of vacancy. I sat silently for an hour, possibly two, in an awake sleep mode.

At some point that evening, I was startled by the concerned voice of a social worker walking into the room and suddenly asking, Are you okay? All I could do was stare blankly, automatically assuming he was speaking to my mother, who was the focal person inside the crisis being rescued. He stepped towards me, leaned in and asked again, Are you alright…Would you like to talk about what happened ?

I continued to sit there, stunned and now disoriented by the motions of someone tending to me. I was still solely thinking in terms of the patient needing immediate help as she lay sedated and sleeping in the nearby bed.

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Throughout childhood, the turbulence that overtook our family system fostered a variety of trauma responses within each member independently. Everyone came away with their own material, but I think freeze was a common response we shared. Being caught behaving as shell-shocked children, as though we were in a war of sorts, was nearly impossible for outsiders getting close to not notice. As a child, I possessed a limited idea as to how we could be amazing at surviving the throes of battle, but never fully engaging life on thriving terms. Like a lot of kids growing up, I would be at the mercy of a pattern forged by situations outside my control —and while enjoying the reprieve from the storms for a season, it wouldn’t be long before we’d be engulfed by an overwhelming circumstance again.

It would be down the road, at eighteen years old, in a darkening hospital room, being roused out of shock by an attentive voice appearing as a flicker of light and guiding me into a real understanding that I needed help, too. Right then, I learned how a dysfunctional dynamic within a family system takes everyone involved into its clutches to render harm, but there is hope.

Over the years, I learned about my specific trauma exposure, my individual coping mechanisms, and my collection of observable or subtle responses to triggers and crisis. It’s a conscious journey that is never completely perfected because life is ever-unfolding, evolving every day, and introducing fresh dramas to face or come to terms with.

With that being said, I am so proud of the accomplishments I’ve made inside my personal healing and recovery journey. I’m grateful how I have found the graces alive and intact inside my spirit to see me through. And I am thankful for the outside support systems I was blessed to center myself within. Support from recovering family members, friendships, groups and connections, nature and animals, and from therapists, ministers, and counselors along the way.

I also understand more about my vulnerabilities and limitations based on what I’ve been through and what I’m equipped to organically endure.

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Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

Getting back to my current situation. Yes, I discovered myself in functional freeze after several years of intense, ongoing stress. I was being confronted by an onslaught of negative excitement in which my bodily system was neither designed to withstand or psychologically built to normalize. I did, however, focus on being as resilient as possible knowing I needed to. People were depending on my strengths. I was depending on my strength, as well.  

Eventually, my nervous system was being taxed beyond my ability to regulate. The stressors were coming at me faster than I was humanly capable of managing. I had become compromised, still appearing as okay to the people I engaged with, but not really okay inside.

When you’re in this state, you’re not completely on autopilot or unavailable. You may be trying to perform and be dependable, but it’s steadily becoming difficult to maintain the effort. As a result, you may find yourself receding or avoiding situations giving off indicators of a potential threat.  Your mind is aware there are rules of engagement as far as the social norms we follow. You might try to show up authentically, but find yourself buckling under, despite doing all you can to hold up and adhere to those basic social rules.

It ends up feeling like everything is all about surviving. Meeting up with friends becomes a rigor no none understands. Going to the store for incidentals or supplies feels like an endurance test. A simple walk is knocking the wind out of your lungs. Answering emails and texts turns into an avalanche you aren’t prepared to navigate. Memory is now involved and you are having trouble thinking clearly, retaining thought, and communicating easily. Your sense of time might seem a little wapred or you might be sensitive to sounds or light.

At a certain point, your body and mind have registered that you can no longer continue to respond to everything entering your field and still maintain optimal health, so it does what may be the best, which is to place you in a state of limbic suspense for safety reasons.

I entered this place several months ago after returning from the emergency room in a hypertensive crisis. On some level, it felt as though something wise inside of me seized control and shut it all down with my best interest at heart and sheilded me from any further invasions. And while it’s good to be protected, I don’t want to get stuck in freeze mode.

I was immobilized, slightly faint with a sense of helplessness and weakened, yet able to perform certain necessary tasks only. I was there, but in many ways checked out, stuck in functional freeze. And I was responding to previously innocuous stimuli as though a bomb dropped. I recognized the threat of PTSD looming in anxious dreams, weakness and fatigue, high blood pressure, difficulty regaining equilibrium and a lost sense of safety.

I’d like to recognize how many of us are in similar functional freeze states of varying degrees. The current times are strenuous and tempestuous. Seems the merest movement becomes threatening— like the ever-increasing prices, the shortage of reliable health support, ongoing conflict, along with other persistent stressors. Underneath all of this lies the hardships each person is coping with individually.

Be Kind to Yourself. Be Understanding of Others.

We can do things to help ourselves regulate, stabilize, treat the symptoms and thaw out. I’m a person who finds animals and nature to be an ointment for my soul.  My fur baby Lacy is a soother and my relationship with nature is a necessary balm. I also speak to my body to offer reassurance and allow more time to decompress, settle down and calm my nervous system. Body work and massage can relieve building tension, but once again, some people may not want to experience direct touch until they feel safe enough to move forward. Somatic exersices and stretching are benificial approaches to restoring movemnt and restoration.

I strongly believe our interests and passions are valuable in our recovery and keep us going.  Do the sort of things that lead you to claiming your peace, security and gratification. I discovered an interest in restoring vintage furniture by hand as therapeutic and somehow integrates me back into a comfortable routine. What kind of activities help you ease into a calmer state and relax?

Most of us need to continue working and follow through with critical responsibilities. Often, those activities become the limits as to how far we can go until our sympathetic fight or flight and parasympathetic rest and digest systems recalibrate and balnce out. Meantime, rest is crucial, I found, and protecting the serenity space is equally vital. There were early evenings I would simply sit for an hour or more in order to drop down. Being inactive, allowing my mind to clear, letting the gentle outdoor sounds waft through an open window was deeply allaying. And moving gently, feeding my birds, and tending to small wild animals was restorative to my shattered nerves.

Some people are best to have time alone to regulate, while others prefer connection, responding to their need to feel less isolated. In the end, resurfacing is allowed to be a slow, soft intentional process as you incrementally take on what you’re able.

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Dear Reader, I hope my newsletter has been helpful. I am slowly thawing from a medical issue as a result of stress so my writing had been set aside. I hope I have come to you bearing the blessing of a clear and useful message. I really do feel concern for our collective well-being. I care about how we are handling the trying times of today.

Functional Freeze can be a result of an over-exposure to crisis or ongoing stress. It’s a psychological response that lasts an hour or more, or can extend into a phase lasting much longer depending on the situation.  

It’s important to talk with a qualified trauma-informed practitioner if you think you are experiencing serious symptoms and discuss treatments that best suit you. Although there can be feelings of helplessness and confusion, there is hope and recovery is possible. If you are struggling and feel immobilized, please reach out and let someone know. Sometimes telling someone what you’re dealing with is a positive step towards coming out of the cold.

As always, thank you for dropping by and supporting my work with your remarks, responses, shares and subscription. It means so much more than my ability to express! You are helping me heal, thrive, and enjoy my gifted days. Bless you!

With love, care and kindness,

Susan

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