Being safe and feeling safe have different meanings to survivors. When we’re lost, we long to be found in loving eyes. When we’re threatened, we need to feel protected. When we’re unheard and unseen, we hunger recognition. And when we’re vulnerable, we search for shelter. Even if we have to save ourselves a little more than we had planned, and even if we had to build a new safety from somewhere deep within, we all need to feel a blanket around our shoulders and learn there will be sunlight after the storm. We want to be wrapped in the care we’re worthy of and huddle close to the promise that our ship isn’t sinking… and trust we’ll be alright.
Being safe and feeling safe mean different things to survivors. Our safety is the firm ground support we require to regulate after overwhelming conditions or agitating stimuli. We need to nurture it so we can build healthy forms of resilience and trust within ourselves, and within our connections. You can understand you’re safe, yet still fall into a chasm of despair when you’re dysregulated or after a core wound has been activated. And if it happens frequently or in pattern-like predictability, eventually you must ask yourself why you don’t feel a sound sense of safeness and where this uneasy charge is originating from.
WHY DON’T I FEEL SAFE?
Has early trauma or a tragic event caused you to experience a lack-of-safety trigger? Does a specific situation cause you to feel emotionally, psychologically or physically insecure and at risk? How is the current situation reminiscent of a previous, unsettling experience? Do you notice if you have a habit of gravitating towards unsafe situations because they’re familiar? If any of these questions resonate, you may want to examine the wys in which these situations are similar, throwing you back into a time you deserved to be protected or when your surroundings faltered, causing you to fall through.
NOT FEELING SAFE DURING CHILDHOOD…
Maybe you don’t feel safe because when you were a child there wasn’t protection or an attentive guidance system in place to help you learn the difference between threatening and nonthreatening situations, usually through play and interaction. And if there wasn’t a parent figure present for you to nurture relational development, healthy attachment, and coping strategies —you may understandably have difficulties feeling secure later in life. In this case, we have to become our guardian and teach ourselves how to develop internal reinforcement in order to regain a balanced feeling of preservation and well-being. And if not ever looked at, we may find close relationships challenging and still feel anxious in connections that offer realistic protection, care, and support.
OTHER REASON FOR NOT FEELING SAFE…
You may not feel safe because your inherent safety was disrupted by violence. This can occur at any point in our lives in a number of different ways, whether it’s due to a sudden destabilizing event or a series of ongoing intrusions to our personal space. Suffering through adverse experiences like being attacked or aggressed can leave someone deeply injured and untrusting. Being bullied, assaulted, oppressed or abused are traumatizing, and the need to feel protected and barriered from harm going forward is understandably significant. You may not feel safe because you’re involved in a relational dynamic offering little emotional support and sustenance, and instead it creates insecurities or introduces chaos or fosters doubt, thereby weakening the connection. And perhaps you don’t feel safe because it feels like your power has been seized, stolen or violated. In this case, it helps to focus on doing regular self-affirming acts to reintroduce your autonomy, sovereignty, and right to chose.
When the fact is, you just don’t feel safe…
You might determine there’s no genuine danger or external threats creating the unease; however, the tension is coming from within and an outside source is brushing up against the material you’ve collected through the years and still carry.
Even if you’ve suffered from post-trauma, the good news is there are ways to stabilize and manage your internal system so that you have more control over what is happening to your nervous system.
There is a New Safety built by survivors from the ground up —by tending to our body, learning its signals, and exercising trust in our forming awareness. It’s designed by connecting with our senses and to other dependable people or things. It’s insulated with care by confronting our trauma history as best we can and seeking support to navigate our way towards greater security. And it’s becoming increasingly reliable by recognizing how strong we are to have survived and finally owning the rights to our agency by taking back our individual power.
Some ideas for Reflection…
Some people stay back or don’t try because they don’t feel safe anymore after a tragic experience or life in general has brought them to a place of anxiousness and fear. If this sounds familiar, you understand how building courage and security is often hard work and starts from the ground. You are not alone in your endeavor to rebuild your positivity and restoring your equanimity.
What are some routines or activities which ground you? Remind yourself how engaging in these ways are special and necessary. These ordinary or meditative acts are an important part of your existence and feed your center of groundedness.
Start trusting yourself more often…Believing you are safe allows you to take some risks or enjoy adventure and attempt big things in life. Trusting you’ll be okay and learning how to manage pitfalls is part of taking bold steps and doing some great things.
And doing great things can be anything that’s been circulating inside as an idea, desire or dream to be actualized. Gardening, writing, dancing, socializing, activism, venturing out in the world, and crafting your life story. What’s been wanting to manifest itself through you?
Go ahead and cheer yourself on by writing a personalized affirmation for yourself and posting it where you see it daily. You can include how you are the one choosing who gets to be your support system and describe how you are the creator of your peaceful or more powerful world. This can serve to remind you of the control you have in times of turbulence. Extol how the universe is actually organized in ways that support your life. Affirm your senses, intuition, strength and autonomy.
Hi Reader, thanks for checking in and subscribing! Please feel free to share my newsletter if you think others might benefit from today’s message. I wrote A New Safety for Survivors years ago while I was doing work around developmental trauma. If you had a childhood that featured specific destabilizing events or patterns, you might recognize phases in your adult life where you had to rebuild your internal system or felt like you were having to catch up developmentally, or where you thought you ought to be. It’s more common than you possibly realize.
When I imagine a survivor, I envision someone rescued and blanketed, no longer in harms way after a hurricane or calamity. There is a feeling of immense relief and hope. At the same time, there’s also a blank spot hovering over what to do next and how to go on.
Even if you aren’t necessarily dealing with past injuries that affect how you manage and move through life, you might find our current times rarely offer reassurance. Many are aware of the need to recreate and protect a fresh, durable existence in a world where everyone’s reality is unstable.
I encourage you to continue believing in yourself and trust you are growing stronger, even with the little steps and attempts. Keep doing the things that make you feel alive and affirmed. Appreciate your small accomplishments, your special routines, and the ways you’ve been able to manage stress —and don’t apologize for wanting to protect your personally cultivated place of peace.
With love, care and kindness,
Susan
Susan, your posts always touch me at the core and soften my heart to myself. Thank you.
I love love love your writings and look forward to your emails❤️. I came into this app today just to give an honest review and appreciation of your works🫶🏽